This is a continuation of the previous session of a somewhat chopped down D&D 3.5e game run by my friend.
Our heroes:
- Pesu Lappu, a bald, androgyne half elf sorcerer with a deadpan voice.
- Blue the very average male Human Cleric joined his order to dodge the draft and remained ever since.
- Ali the female Elf Rogue.
- Azalea the snarky, ungovernable, bratty female Halfling Rogue who ran away from home at the age of 21.
- Lulu, the 70 year old female human fighter.
- And a major NPC, Baskerville, who organized the mission. An irish-ish old man with magic powers. Along with his dog.
The next fragment of the strange artifact is somewhere in the Dark Forest. Lulu is somewhat familiar with the Dark Forest as she once was married to the strange hermit who is rumored to dwell there. Before that we stop at the town of Uxbridge to resupply.
We go to another pub, called Moriarty’s Place, a Tommy Chong look-alike and wizard as owner. He knows the next piece of the artifact is at a monastery on the far side of the Dark Forest and decides to tag along.
After a while on the trail, Baskerville’s dog crouches down, nervous. Moriarty’s hairs stand on end. Moriarty summons a smoke screen to conceal the party.
There’s a figure galloping through the woods. It’s Shia LaBeouf on all fours.
He zips by, and then four squads of spiders dive down from the trees. They have Shia Labeouf’s face.
A prolonged slog of a fight breaks out. Lulu gets ripped up pretty bad despite her armor and shield. Blue stands by her side to help, swinging his mace. The whole party gets scattered across a section of the forest. Baskerville’s dog morphs into it’s natural shape, a Chimera, and flies overhead, diving down into the fight. Moriarty summons a flying carpet. Azalea dives into bushes and fires her bow repeatedly.
In real world time, it’s a five hour slog so I’ll spare the round-by-round. The spiders operate in squads of four. When one of a squad is damaged, the others are damaged. When one hits, the others hit. So despite dealing only 1d4 damage, it’s 1d4x4. You’re either getting hit lightly or you’re getting hit hard. The whole squad has substantive HP, so it’s slog.
Shia LaBeouf runs in and out of the melee on all fours to terrorize. And as the party has had enough and tries to flee, a giant onion with the face of Shia LaBeouf pops from the ground and goes after Ali the Elf Rogue, who soils her pants, and tries to stuff them atop the onion’s head. Nat 1, trips on her own pants.
Eventually the party finishes off the Onion, the Spiders, and Shia LaBeouf himself. On Shia’s corpse there’s a collection of potions, and we each get one. Each of the four squads of spiders had 40 hp, the Onion had 60 hp, and I think Shia Labeouf had 130 hp.
It is here I realize how useless in a fight my fighter, Lulu, is. She does 1d8 damage, has no strength or dex bonus. We’re not using feats, so she’s just a meat shield, and a not very good one. Her Charisma sucks, and as such I doubt she can hire any additional muscle. Aside from her story, and my voice acting, she’s useless. The Rogues can sneak attack, the casters have spells, Lulu has a longsword, and when she his it’s often for 1 out of the 1d8. I dislike 3.5e. I love my friends. So I play.